I'm Still Breathing
by MorbidMandy
Summary: Magnus dumps Alec, and Alec loses himself in his grief. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Or is it an oncoming train? Songfic. Song-I'm Still Breathing by Katy Perry. Yaoi.


**I hope that you like this.** **It's the longest songfic I've ever written, and if I didn't think the song was so important to the storyline, I would take it out all together.**

**I officially have a 'board' of songs to write for. There's a crapload of them on there. :)**

**The song is "I'm Still Breathing" by Katy Perry. All rights go to her. There's a chance that this could be done better-it's a really awesome song-but this is the best I could produce. Any song recommendations would be happily received. **

**DISCLAIMER: If I owned Mortal Instruments... well, if I owned them I'd be rich. ;) $$$**

"You're going to outgrow me Alec. You're going to... die. You're going to die, but I'm not. Maybe it's just better if we end this..."

Magnus' words echoed in Alec's mind as he laid sprawled out on his bed. His hands fell over the edges-the bed was too small, he thought bitterly, his mind picturing canary-yellow sheets and glitter on a pillow.

He stood, reaching over to grab his stele and his seraph blade. Anytime his thought veered so close to thinking of M-Alec swallowed, refusing to think his name-to thinking of _him_, he went out demon-hunting. Maybe if he lost himself in blood and the stink of a good fight, he wouldn't be able to think of the glittering warlock.

He left The Institute, absentmindedly strolling down the streets. His thoughts began to wander, but when they once again drifted to _him_, this time imagining the bathroom counter, cluttered with jars of glitter and tubes of lipstick, and... and a small, sleek black case with the initials A.L. on them.

Alec shook his head to clear them of those thoughts, and looked around in alarm when he realized that he was less than a block away from Mag-from _his_ apartment. A squawk of fury erupted from an alleyway, and Alec looked to see a Ravener demon fighting a trashcan. His eyebrows knitted together and he gave a grim smile. This is just what he needed.

A distraction.

_I leave the gas on  
Walk the allies in the dark  
Sleep with candles burning  
I leave the door unlocked_

He slaughtered the demon mercilessly, the ichor spraying the wall across from him. At last the Ravener laid at his feet, a pulpy mess. He recoiled from the smell, but it was as if the ichor had drenched his heart, hiding it from his pain.

He wiped his seraph blade off on his pants, grimacing as he looked back out on the street. This alley was across from that diner Magnus had taken him once.

Maggie's. It was a Downworlder diner.

Alec looked down at his clothes-ragged, but they had been just as ragged when he put them on. The only thing to say that he'd been in a fight was the blood on his jeans and an-OUCH-cut on his head. He swiped at it, but it seemed small, so he let it go without an iratze.

And he walked across the street, allowing himself one long, searing glance in the direction of _his_ apartment.

_I'm weaving a rope and  
Running all the red lights_

He opened up the door, wincing as the fluorescent lights hit his eyes. He'd barely realized it, but it was probably almost midnight.

The waitress they'd had the first time came bustling over, giving him a small, sad smile. Great, Alec thought sullenly, he'd told her.

She practically shoved him into a booth, moving quickly to stand in front of him, but not before he saw _him_.

Magnus. Sitting at the bar and drinking a tall amber liquid that Alec somehow knew was beer. Magnus-who hated even the most elite imported beers, was nursing a plain beer. Looking devastated.

'Probably broke a glitter bottle' Alec thought unkindly, tersely ordering a beer for himself. He didn't drink-as a rule, Shadowhunter's didn't DO underage drinking. But he needed it.

The waitress-a fairly pretty, young girl with blonde curls and a nervous, anxious look in her eyes-looked pityingly at him but flounced off. As she passed Magnus-as always, his name caused a shock of pain to go through his heart-she elbowed him harshly.

Magnus looked up at him in alarm, and then around him, his eyes landing on Alec and widening slightly as he took in the young Nephilim's face. He had a cut on his head-not too bad, but there was blood dried on his forehead and matting his hair. His sweater was even more threadbare and ragged, and there was a streak of blackening blood on his jeans.

Alec looked up at him, but as soon as their eyes met, he stared out the window moodily. Alec was uncomfortable, he wanted to leave... but he wasn't going to give up and walk out.

_Did I get your attention  
Cause I'm sending  
All the signs _

The waitress came back, sliding a beer to him and a basket of fries he hadn't ordered. He looked up at her, one eyebrow raised, and she shoved a wet paper towel into his hands.

"You're bleeding. A lot. And you should eat something. You look... well, you look like a corpse." she said, giving him a thin smile. He glanced vaguely at her nametag. Carly.

Alec grabbed the napkin holder, frowning at his reflection. The cut was worse than he'd thought-blood was dripping down his cheek. He swiped at it, frowning when it smeared. Great, he looked like an idiot in front of-

He wiped quickly, leaving only the barest traces behind before pointedly NOT looking at Magnus and eating a fry.

_The clock is ticking  
And I'll be giving  
My 2 weeks_

Magnus stared mournfully at Alec, watching as the gorgeous young boy stared out the window and attacked the fries with a fervor he'd never seen before.

'These fries aren't so bad...' thought Alec as he chewed meditatively on the salty, crunchy fries. He knew that Magnus was still staring at him, but he refused to look over. He felt kind of proud of himself-he was standing his own ground.

A burly werewolf stood then, yelling brusquely at a pale-skinned red-rimmed-eyed vampire girl. Alec stood before anyone else, the familiar grim feeling of resignation taking over as he grabbed his blade.

_Pick your favorite  
Shade of black  
You'd best  
Prepare a speech_

As he stepped towards the brawling Downworlders, Magnus rose too.

It was an easy fight for Alec to break up, but he got a few cuts and bruises. He sank into his booth, sighing as the diner slowly returned to it's pre-fight clamor.

"Please, let me-"

Alec interrupted before Magnus could say anymore.

"I'm fine."

He wasn't. Forgetting all of the injuries from the fight, he felt like he was splitting in two. He literally _ached_ inside... he wanted to cry, to scream and yell... but he'd done enough of that in the past few weeks.

That first night, everyone had thought he was hurt. His parents had come rushing in, brandishing blades. He'd just cried harder, curling up, trying to stop the pain that reverberated through his heart. He finally managed to sob it out-Magnus, had, left, him. His mother had held him like he was young, hushing and soothing him. He'd never hurt so bad, never cried so hard. And he wouldn't now.

"Let me heal-"

"I said, I'm fine." Alec knew the words were harsh, and, to emphasize his fine-ness, he turned at looked him in the eyes.

_Say something funny  
Say something sweet  
But don't say  
That you loved me_

He heart sped up, and he forced himself to look back at his beer, downing it in one swift gulp. He stood then, unsteady on his feet, forcing his way past Magnus and outside.

_Magnus_.

He wasn't sure if it was the beer or what, but Magnus' name suddenly held so much more for him.

"Alec, are you okay?" Magnus asked, coming out of the door behind him.

"I'm great! I'm _SUPER!_" Alec slurred, grinning wildly and stumbling across the parking lot.

_I'm still breathing_

_Though we've been  
Dead for awhile_

The alcohol made him feel healthy, whole, and unbroken. It also made him feel like Clary had just given him a fearless rune. He was fearless, and he didn't care about Magnus.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Suddenly Alec's happy healthy, unbroken feeling ended.

"NO. I'm not okay. I haven't _been_ okay. Leave me alone! Just-alone!" he slurred, fighting tears. What the hell? TEARS? Alec Lightwood didn't cry in public. Or in private, although he'd broken that rule enough over the past weeks.

"Alec you're drunk-I don't exactly know _how_, because you had one beer-maybe I should call Isabelle..." Magnus said, reaching out to try and steady him, but Alec jerked away.

"Why? So she can drag mom here and they can play 'Poor Pathetic Alec'? Dumped by his boyfriend, all alone." Alec said in a mocking tone, continuing to stumble down the near-deserted sidewalk.

"Alec..."

Alec turned around to glare at Magnus.

_This sickness has no cure  
We're going down for sure  
Already lost a grip  
Best abandon ship_

For a moment they stared at each other, before Alec seemed to crumple.

He leaned against the wall, breathing deeply before speaking.

"Why-or should I say _who_-was it?" Alec said morosely, circling his head to stare at Magnus.

"What?" Magnus seemed truly baffled.

"What was it? That made you dump me?"

_Maybe I was too pale  
Maybe I was too fat_

"What do you mean? You know why-"

"Was I too busy? Should I have dressed better? What was it? Or _who_ was it? Was he taller? Stronger? Glitterier?"

Magnus stared at him, sputtering.

_Maybe you had better  
Better luck in the sack_

"Or was he better, y'know..." Alec shut his eyes, his fearlessness rising again, "Was he better in bed?"

When Magnus didn't answer, Alec's eyes snapped open, a bitter smile dancing over his lips.

"That was it, wasn't it? Whoever he was, he was a better _lay_."

At this Magnus reacted, grabbing Alec and holding him against the wall.

"You know why I... did what I had to do." Magnus looked sad, and Alec felt it again, that searing pain in his heart. It came on so fast that he reacted physically, bowing down as though punched in the stomach-because that's what it felt like.

"Alec-ALEC! Are you okay!" Magnus said frantically, his hands glowing as they reached to hold him up.

"...no..." Alec barely whispered the word, but then straightened up, pulling away, ignoring the pain, and looking into Magnus' eyes, his drunken cockiness returning momentarily.

"Or was it because I wasn't-" his words slowly slurred into one another, "smart enough? Cause I wasn't personable enough?"

_No formal education  
And I swore way too much_

Magnus grabbed Alec and held him tight.

"You _know_ why I... you know why-"

"No," Alec's voice was laced with pain, "How can I believe a single word you say? You _lied _to me, you said... you said you loved me, you said you'd stay, you said we'd be...together... forever." he whispered the last word.

Magnus looked at him, heart breaking. Strong, powerful Alec Lightwood was crying, sobbing.

_But I swear  
You didn't care  
Cause we were in love_

"I... I did lie. But not about love-never that I love you. I will always love you, forever. But... but it's better this way. It has to be, because..." Magnus' voice broke, and he looked upwards, willing himself to be able to speak, "Because I've _never_ loved anyone as much as I love you. It scares me-I'm 800 years old, I never thought I could be afraid of anything anymore, but I am. I'm afraid every day, because you're so mortal, so human... I couldn't stand life if you weren't in it."

Magnus was crying too, holding Alec away from him, "I _had_ to push you away, Alec... I can't be near you, I can't do it. It's too painful... it will be too painful when you eventually succumb."

_So as I write this letter  
And shed my last tear  
No, it's all for the better  
That we end this here_

"You didn't care before..." Alec sniffed.

"Of course I cared... I was studying, reading up, so that I could-"

"Make me immortal?"

"No... although I'd love to. I was trying to find a way to end my life as soon as yours ended. But I'm too immortal..."

Alec thought this over for a minute, looking brooding.

"Are you..." Alec seemed thoughtful before suddenly snapping into action, "INSANE? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT! ARE YOU CRAZY!"

"Wh-what?" Magnus said, startled.

"Why the hell would you try and kill yourself? You're too..."

"Immortal."

Alec rolled his eyes, "Too... important. Too good."

_Let's close this chapter  
Say one last prayer  
But don't say  
That you loved me_

"I lo-" Alec began, spurred by Magnus' loving face.

"No. Don't say it."

Alec looked up, surprised.

"It'll make it too hard. I can't hear that. I need to cut myself off... that's why it's been so hard. I'm leaving. Moving. Maybe to China-someplace where there's no reminders. Where there's distractions."

Magnus walked down the alleyway, but Alec spoke up.

"It won't work."

Magnus turned slightly, the yellow light of the street lamp casting strange shadows on Magnus' face.

"What won't work?"

"The distractions. That's what I've been doing. Distracting myself by taking on demons by myself. Not healing myself with Iratzes. I thought that if I had the pain, I wouldn't think of you. But it made it worse-your face, your voice, would reach through the pain. It was all I could think of."

Magnus moved to stand in front of Alec, brushing his hands over his face, sending light pulses of healing energy to him.

_I'm still breathing  
Though we've been  
Dead for awhile_

Alec shuddered slightly, reaching up and holding Magnus' hands to his face.

"I... I love you." Alec whispered, wrapped in the warm healing glow.

_This sickness has no cure  
We're going down for sure  
Already lost a grip  
Best abandon ship_

"I love you too."

Alec opened his eyes, taking everything in.

They were wrapped in a cocoon of glowing golden energy, holding each other.

"What about... my mortality?" asked Alec.

"I... I don't care. I swear to God, Alec... I can't stand not being able to touch you. To hold you. To just..."

And he kissed him. It was as simple and as complicated as that. Their lips fit against each other perfectly, Magnus' lips capturing Alec's lower lip between his two, nipping slightly at it. Alec moaned, and Magnus slipped his tongue in between them. They broke apart then, gasping for air.

"I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you." Magnus repeated, kissing Alec's cheeks, jaw, and neck.

"M-Magnus..." Alec moaned, pulling him to his mouth.

At last they pulled away, but they didn't leave the comfort of each others arms for a long time.

They were together. Finally Alec felt whole. Truly whole.

_I'm still breathing..._

**And there it is.**

**Tell me what you think. Hate it? Love it?**

**Review please (they are cookies :D)**


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